Requiem

Emotions are a powder-keg, like the dreams that live below the surface of our minds.  Unknown until they are awakened, they neither quietly nor easily fade back into obscurity. 

About a month and a half ago, I had a really good week, the kind I haven't had in a long time.  That week has, trying not to overstate things, wrecked the time since.  I don't need anyone to tell me that it was short; I  know it was short, and I wish short things couldn't have such a profound impact.  Nevertheless, it brought me to consider a possibility I wouldn't have before, and that consideration lead to an idea, which lead to a hope and a desire and feelings, which can be dangerous things. 

And now, like a lightening bolt that flashes in the sky and is gone, that possibility is also gone.  Now, having gone through confusion, anger, reasoning, and sadness, the only workable resolution I see is to forget the whole damned thing.  Forget and pretend that the whole wonderful, contemptible thing never happened.  Then, maybe, I can find normalcy again, maybe my relationships and friendships can normalize again, and maybe I can bid goodbye to my sadness and bitterness, as I bury them together with a dream born in 7 days.  Forget the image of an idea that the flash of lightening revealed, not living consciously beforehand, and find ways of telling myself (whether true or not) that it would never have worked anyway. 

I was a fool.  I must've been.  And hopefully soon, that feeling of foolishness can leave as well as I move forward.  But not without pausing to remember the goodness of that feeling, of hope and desire, of possibility that I hadn't known for a long time.